Dear Childless People Who Feel The Need To Offer Advice To My Children:
Don't.
Sincerely,
Me
Ok, I'll elaborate. For better or worse, Lucas is now chewing gum (sugarless, because 4 out of 5 dentists can't be wrong). He is but four - four and a half, if you ask him - and so there are certain hazards involved, namely putting said gum in hair (his, his sister's, the dog's), or swallowing said gum. Beth had, during his initial pre-chew briefing, counseled him on the dangers of swallowing gum - when he asked her if he could swallow the gum, he got a simple "no", and that was that (we've found that elaborating on such restrictions - like what would happen if he, say, ate one of the dog's Milk-Bones - only serve to prompt more questions, i.e, "Will I turn into a dog? Because that would be cool!". So in our house, there will be no "if you swallow a watermelon seed a watermelon will grow inside you" Doomsday Scenarios).
So of course it was just a matter of time before he swallowed his first piece of gum; this past Friday it happened, Lucas walking into my home office with a terrified look on his face, white as a sheet. "Daddy", he whispered, "I did something bad. I swallowed my gum. Mom said not to but it was an accident. Is it going to make me sick?" "Nope", I said. "Your tummy will digest it, just like other food. Just be careful next time, ok?" He perked right up. "Ok! I won't swallow my gum ever again!" I figure I'm going to have plenty of chances to talk to the kid about the really serious stuff (drugs, birth control, future girlfriends who insist that he watch Gossip Girl 2021 with them), why burden him with the trivial?
So Saturday we went up to the in-laws' for Mother's Day; joining us for dinner was a friend of Beth's mom. She saw Lucas chewing gum, and immediately began to tell him why it is that she never chews gum (It's gross! It can rip out fillings!) and what happens (you know what's coming next, folks, and I'd like to say that I did a Bad Cop Show Slo-Mo "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" to stop her, but I was simply awestruck by someone with no kids of her own presuming to lecture mine) when you swallow it - "It stays in your tummy FOREVER AND EVER!" Lucas looked at me, horrified. "Lucas," I said through clenched teeth. "She's only kidding. Remember what you and I talked about?" He nodded. I turned to Beth's mom's friend. "He swallowed his first piece of gum yesterday."
Well, I'm not sure if she realized that she'd freaked Lucas out, or if she thought I was just being an oversensitive asshole. Truth be told, we don't hang out with too many childless folk these days - we are great friends with a couple in our age range who don't and never will have kids, and as it happens they are fantastic with 'em. So perhaps it's my fault - moving forward, if I do encounter one of the childless, I'll be sure to issue a disclaimer: "Little kids are sensitive and tend to believe everything adults tell them. Proceed with caution. And for God's sake, don't even think about bringing up Santa Claus."
Amen!!! I don't care if my friends DO have children. Unless they are clearly breaking something, about to kill themselves, or hitting someone precious to you... please don't parent my children. Let me screw them up, ok? *high five*
i have a baby who is 5 days old and i am 22 years old but some kids have no home training and you don't have to have kids to know when someone elses kids are out of control.
I agree whole heartedly , If you don't have kids pleaseee don't try to give me advice ! Parenting is a hands on learning experience and no kids equals umm no experience !
A few years ago, before my husband and I were married, we had to explain to a couple of his friends why it was a bad idea for them to put honey on their baby's pacifier. He was only a few months old at the time. Now he's extremely spoiled (his father gave him an entire pack of hot dogs after he decided he didn't want a hamburger after all). I understand the frustration of childless people butting in, but I also know a lot of people with kids that seem to lack common sense.
I'm guilty of this, by the way. My own dad yelled at me for not making my infant son wear socks.
I can truly understand what you are saying. When I had just given birth to my 3rd child and was still at the hospital, a nurse came in. She must have been about 20yrs old. She comes up to me, and tells me that she will be back in 5 minutes to give me a course on how to take care of a new born. I looked at her like she came from another planet and said excuse me. You can about image the face I made. I told her, " and what is it exactly you are suppose to teach me?" Her response was, " I'm just going to continue what the other nurse started," Well, I guess the other nurse was smarter because she didn't try, lol, I told her. She eventually got the hint and left.
i have raised 11 kids and i can not believe how someone that has not even changed one diaper knows more than lifetime parents.i have 3 babies that are adopted and i still need someone elses opinion. shirley spray
Oh my gosh! The Santa Claus thing! I actually had an argument with a "new mommy" friend of mine who wanted to tell MY 6 year old there was no Santa Claus. I don't know what I can't stand more...the childless who insist they know more than you but have no experience, or the new mommies who insist they know more than you because they've read the books. I read the books too, my dear...I also decided for me they don't work. Don't presume to tell me how to raise my kids. My mother doesn't even do that!
I think the most disturbing part of this article is the part where you predict that Gossip Girl will last into the next two decades.
Just kidding. I love that show.
;)
You are right about the mom-in-law. I don't know why people don't think about how kids perceive things. However, I must remind you that itis not just the childless. Several years ago, my husband told my 7 year old son (in humor) that if he ate any more he would bust. Neither one of us thoght about it. we've heard this all our lives. It was weeks before Nathan finally told me he couldn't eat anymore becuase he was afraid his yummy would bust. My husband and I felt awful. Our poor son had worried about actually exploding if he ate too much. We apologized and talked to him about it. We sometimes still say things that are off the cuff and old school and always go back and make sure it is taken in the way it should. I will say that childless folks tend to over judgemental to those of us with kids. All kids should be clean, seens and not heard, say no maam and yes sir, have a kleenex handy at all times and never use their clothes for napkins. On a scale of 1 - 10, the parent that allows their child to accompany mom or dad to Wal Mart in their favorite costume in March, would get a 9 or 10 from tenured parents...but a 1 from most childless couples and control freeks. Okay, I'll put the soapbox away.
I throw the occasional doomsday stuff at my kids, but that's with my knowing that they don't believe a word of it. I'm going for a Calvin's dad thing here and so far so good.
Great Blog. My daughter is 6 and hasn't had the chance too chew gum. I haven't offered it to her just yet. It scares me to know it could caught it hair!
Dear Childless People Who Feel The Need To Offer Advice To My Children:
Don't.
Sincerely,
Me
Ok, I'll elaborate. For better or worse, Lucas is now chewing gum (sugarless, because 4 out of 5 dentists can't be wrong). He is but four - four and a half, if you ask him - and so there are certain hazards involved, namely putting said gum in hair (his, his sister's, the dog's), or swallowing said gum. Beth had, during his initial pre-chew briefing, counseled him on the dangers of swallowing gum - when he asked her if he could swallow the gum, he got a simple "no", and that was that (we've found that elaborating on such restrictions - like what would happen if he, say, ate one of the dog's Milk-Bones - only serve to prompt more questions, i.e, "Will I turn into a dog? Because that would be cool!". So in our house, there will be no "if you swallow a watermelon seed a watermelon will grow inside you" Doomsday Scenarios).
So of course it was just a matter of time before he swallowed his first piece of gum; this past Friday it happened, Lucas walking into my home office with a terrified look on his face, white as a sheet. "Daddy", he whispered, "I did something bad. I swallowed my gum. Mom said not to but it was an accident. Is it going to make me sick?" "Nope", I said. "Your tummy will digest it, just like other food. Just be careful next time, ok?" He perked right up. "Ok! I won't swallow my gum ever again!" I figure I'm going to have plenty of chances to talk to the kid about the really serious stuff (drugs, birth control, future girlfriends who insist that he watch Gossip Girl 2021 with them), why burden him with the trivial?
So Saturday we went up to the in-laws' for Mother's Day; joining us for dinner was a friend of Beth's mom. She saw Lucas chewing gum, and immediately began to tell him why it is that she never chews gum (It's gross! It can rip out fillings!) and what happens (you know what's coming next, folks, and I'd like to say that I did a Bad Cop Show Slo-Mo "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" to stop her, but I was simply awestruck by someone with no kids of her own presuming to lecture mine) when you swallow it - "It stays in your tummy FOREVER AND EVER!" Lucas looked at me, horrified. "Lucas," I said through clenched teeth. "She's only kidding. Remember what you and I talked about?" He nodded. I turned to Beth's mom's friend. "He swallowed his first piece of gum yesterday."
Well, I'm not sure if she realized that she'd freaked Lucas out, or if she thought I was just being an oversensitive asshole. Truth be told, we don't hang out with too many childless folk these days - we are great friends with a couple in our age range who don't and never will have kids, and as it happens they are fantastic with 'em. So perhaps it's my fault - moving forward, if I do encounter one of the childless, I'll be sure to issue a disclaimer: "Little kids are sensitive and tend to believe everything adults tell them. Proceed with caution. And for God's sake, don't even think about bringing up Santa Claus."